


5 Meetings in the Manager's Office That Were of Significance

by Dogtagsandsmut



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Dialogue-Only, M/M, Sexcapades, Silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2009-11-15
Updated: 2009-11-15
Packaged: 2018-01-01 18:45:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1047308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dogtagsandsmut/pseuds/Dogtagsandsmut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The band wants a room for sexytimes. Nathan wants something more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	5 Meetings in the Manager's Office That Were of Significance

**Author's Note:**

> Don't shoot me for this!

_a knock, and then:_

Open up, Robot!

Yes, Nathan. Come in.

Hey, Robot!

_Hello, Nathan. What can I do for you?_

Uhhh. . .yeah! The guys and me have a request--well, actually, it’s a demand. We’re making it your _jo-o-o-o-b._

Really? Well then. I’m quite busy, but I will do my best to accommoda--

\-- _Okaaaay._ Yeah. As I was saying--I was talking before you interrupted me, really rude, there, by the way--me and the boys want a sexcapades room.

. . .I’m sorry, a what? A sexcapa--

\--Sexcapades room, yeah. In the basement. For the sex.

For the sex, yes, I gathered for the sex. But why--

\--With a harlot!

. . .A harlot?

Yeaaah. A harlot of women! To service us.

I, uh, think you mean a harem, Nathan. A harem of women.

And dudes!

And, dudes?

Yeah! For, for when we get tired and we want to take a rest and then they can take over. But, you know--no gay shit!

Oh, of course not. That’s not gay at all.

I know!

Nathan.

What?

I’m just confused. I was under the impression that the groupie rotation system was working just fine; are you all not satisfied?

Noooooo!

_and at this, Nathan pulls his half spectacles and a torn up, beer stained scrap of Dethletter stationary from his pants pocket, squinting._

_Ahem_. Uh, ummmm. . .Skwisgaar wants his women less whorish and more nurturing. He also wants one in each hair color available at any time. He his ‘em listed here, uhhhhhhh. . .dark grey, light grey, salt ‘n pepper, moon blue, white, and. . .looks like, oh-oul-d-ghuy?

Ohöljd?*

Yeah. _Whatever._

I see.

Mmm Hmm. And, uh, Pickles is uh, sick of groupies that give him STDS.

But we test the ones we bring in.

But he says the ones you get him are ugly, or suck in bed, so he picks up other chicks at bars.

I know, which is why I’ve told him to use protection with them! For that matter, why aren’t all of you more concerned with keeping yourselves disease free? I remember having that _talk_ with you on more than one occasion!

I wrap it up, okay? Ladies like that. I’m not pickles. Anyway he figures if we get a harlem--

\--Harem, Nathan--

\--HARLEM! Of chicks, then, he won’t have to. You know. Yeah. They’ll have enough skill, but they’ll still be clean. He says he don’t wanna catch gommeria--

\--Gono--you know what, never mind. Please continue.

Then stop interrupting! Murderface wants women that have to have sex with him. Like, it’s their _jo-o-o-b_. Woah! Brutal.

 _*A sigh.*_ Well, I can see about getting us a prostitution permit for the ladies--

\--And dudes!

. . .And men, but it’s going to take some time and considerable resources; I mean, we’d have to host the whores _*ahem*_ on the Mordhaus complex, but away from the Gears’ living quarters. Wouldn’t want any inadvertent mishaps, and we’d have to hire more doctors on staff to perform hyster--

\--Whatever, _boring,_ ‘Snot my job to figure this bullshit out--that’s for jack-offs like you. Just figure it out. Because we want this.

All of you? What does Toki want?

A fucking flower garden, what do you think? He doesn’t care.

. . .A flower garden for Toki; well that’s appropriate.

That’s what _I_ said!

Well all right. Is that all?

Yeah. Just get it done, and hey--good job. Keep up the good, uh, you know, the good work. By-eee.

 _Thank_ you, Nathan. Now. I have a lot of work to do for you so if you would just. . . ?

. . .Robot.

 

 

_six std free weeks later. A knock, and then:_

 

 

Osdenfen! Osdenfen!

It’s _Ofdensen_ , Nathan. I’ve been your band manager for ten years now, how can you not--

\--Yeah, yeah, whatever I know. Don’t be a jackoff. _We have a problem!_

A problem?

With the sexcapades room.

What could possibly be wrong with the sexcapades room? The Gears built it to your specifications if you remember. Spinning beds, sex swings, a dozen double-ended dildos in a variety of colors--

\--Shh, shaddup. ‘Snot the room, it’s the dudes.

The, uh, the male prostitutes turned out to be a strange idea after all?

No! It’s just. . .they’re the wrong kind.

. . .I see. Um, Nathan? When you brought this idea to me, I um. Well. When I consulted with the other band members, none of them remembered mentioning wanting manwhores on hand, when you geniuses brainstormed this idea up.

Uh huh

Which, um, leads me to believe--

\--Uh huh--

\--Leads me to believe that um, well, that the men were, possibly, your idea? For, um, your use?

Yeah but you picked all straight--wait! No! Now, listen to me, now is not the time to analyze this; now is the time for action! All of the dudes are um, blond. Why?

Well, they’re all former Chip ‘N Dales dancers. They dye their hair blond because they're tipped more as blonds--Nathan, put my paperweight down--

\--Uh huh--

 _As I was saying,_ why does the color of their hair matter? we, uh, brought them in to serve the ladies.

Fuck the ladies!

Yes.

. . .I mean, no, I mean, _fuck the ladies_ , yeah, that’s fun too, but um. It’s not. No blondes. The ladies want brown haired men. Short brown hair. Find men like that.

. . .I see. Any other, uh, specifications?

Yeah! Fit, but not too fit. Like, they need to have muscles. But not just, hanging all out there for everyone to see. Just, ummm, like, when they take their shirts off. Like they wouldn’t stand out in a crowd. Buff, but normal looking.

Okay. Is that all?

Yes.

Allright, well, I’ll get started with the interview process and--

\-- _ONE MORE THING._

Yes?

No fucking morons. They need to be um. you know, smart. Talking. Smart talking. For the ladies.

Of course. For the ladies. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

Sure. Uhhh, bye then.

Good bye, Nathan.

  _4.5 months, three complaints later. A knock at the door, and then:_  
  
Ah, Nathan. Come it. Do you have any idea why I called you in today?  
  
No-o-o-o-o.  
  
Sit, sit. Well, um, how to start. Okay. Since the shift change of the prostitutes a few months back I’ve been getting pretty consistent complaints.   
  
So?   
  
From the men.  
  
So?  
  
About, you.  
  
. . .So?  _I pay their salaries!!!_  
  
Um, yes, I know. That’s, not the problem, really. The issue is that I’m having more and more difficulty hiring straight male prostitutes that meet your specifications.  
  
Well, why? What the fuck is going on?  
  
Um, well, they’re all quitting, Nathan! For a variety of reasons. Most are disconcerted with the fact that you glower at them as they perform. Jeremy, in particular, cited this as his reason for quitting. . .I have the notice here somewhere. Ah!  _*ahem* “Right as I was about to finish inside some tall willowy black haired woman, Lord Explosion came up behind me, seized me by my hair, and whispered ‘You’re not doing it right.’ I cannot take the pressure anymore!”_  
  
Um, yeah. Uh huh. So?  
  
A-and here! Here’s another testimony:  _“Lord Explosion asked me if I had ever been ‘fucked in the ass’, as he held up a dildo.”_  
  
Uh huh.  
  
You asked a, Jeremy Delfino, to felaciate you.  
  
Was he the one with the glasses?  
  
I don’t--he’s not wearing them in his employee photo. Nathan, what are you doing?   
  
By felicitate, you mean, a blow-job right? I didn’t ask him for a blowjob. I wanted to um, fuck him. In the ass. As well. They were both kinda, mmm, interchangeable.  
  
Wow. Okay. Is this your way of telling us that. Hmm. Would you like to have more opportunities to explore your sexuality?  
  
He, uh. wouldn’t. So I didn’t end up doing it.  
  
. . .So, I should be hiring gay men? Or bisexuals?  
  
 _*Sigh.*_  Yeah. . .yeah. Go ahead and hire gay ones. I need to. . .I need to go.  
  
All right. Have a good night.  
  
 _. . .Robot.  
  
several days of unexplained tantrums later. A knock, and then:_  
  
Hey Chief.  
  
Hello, Pickles. What can I do for you?  
  
Oh, yah know, de usual; outta whisky at tha moment, and I’m gonna need a sedative fer later, and ooo!I I could use more of tha “good powder” if yah know what I mean!  
  
Cocaine?  
  
Hit it on tha nose, der.  
  
Well, I have some here in the safe, but I have it on good sources that you’ve had an eightball today already. . .  
  
I’m not even gonna ask how you know dat, and just gonna ask as to why you have some. You tooting on the clock?  
  
Please! And put my life in the hands of something that destructive? No thanks. But, where do you think yours comes from?  
  
Groupies?  
  
Where do you think  _they_  get it from?  
  
Ahhhm. Okaie. Anyway, we both know dats not the real reason I’m here.  
  
Well, then, what do you really need?  
  
Oh hell, man, you seriously don’t know?  
  
. . .I know everything that goes on in these walls. What, specifically, are you referring to?  
  
Nathan! Of course! You haven’t said anything ‘bout his tantrums, sulking, moping around--  
  
\--I had noticed. I had decided not to touch this one.  
  
He threw a bed out tha sexcapades room window!  
  
Uh huh.  
  
And he hasn’t spoken to a one of us since!  
  
Nathan is going through some issues right now, and while I don’t particularly think that he’s handling them  _well,_  it is not my business to step in and--  
  
\--Well, why the hell not, Afdensen? Dis is all yer fault!  
  
My fault? My fault! All I’ve done is exactly what he wanted! It’s not my fault that he’s having some sort of later in life than average sexuality crisis. Perhaps he’s looking for support from his other band mates, and isn't finding it.  
  
What he’s looking for, is for you to sit up and pay attention to tha fact that for the last six months he’s been trying ta fuck everything and everyone one that looks. Like. You! He’s been trying to make you jealous, though if ya ask me I have no idea why he’s want to. Dis isn’t about Nathan having a “revelation” or being gay--(he’s bi, by the way; we’ve known dat since before you came around)--  
  
I’m sorry?  
  
Yeah! You really don’t know everything, den, huh? At the beginning of dis thing well all agreed ta put on tha back burner all da stuff dat might get us in to trouble. I stopped doing heroine. Murderface quit making his scat videos. And Nathan agreed ta play it straight. Too much risk otherwise, ya get it?  
  
Um. Yes. Not completely  _shocked,_  I suppose, but I am surprised that there are still things that I don’t know about you boys. So what changed, then?  
  
Huh?  
  
What changed, then? Why then, did he come to me six months ago, asking for a harem of men?  
  
Dat looked like you.  
  
That looked like. . .me. Hmmm. Hmmmm. Just made that connection, actually. And you think that he was, ahem, trying to make me jealous?  
  
Look! All I know is dat he came to use shortly after you pulled yer whole “Jesus Christ” disappear, reappear performance, asking if there was anyway he could safely pursue something that we’d previously forbidden. He said he had real reason to break the pact. We gave him de okay! After all, I’ve got not much desire to go back to heroine--don’t matter how much money you got, too much heroine makes yeh feel downright crummy. And dis was a little more important to him den a fucking video about shit. N, you know, stuff. Whatever, we gave him a pass. There seemed to be no threat to it.  
  
To what, exactly?   
  
To you and Nathan fucking. And, you know, fall in love and all dat stuff. ‘Snot like yer gonna break up the band, right? Yer no Oko, I thinks.  
  
Nathan wants to ‘fuck’ me?  
  
Yeah! You know, fucking. With feelings. On a regular basis. Dats what he wants. He tinks yer glasses are too hot.  
  
Um. Pickles. Can you excuse me for a second?  
  
Uh, sure.   
  
 _Pickles steps outside the imposing office. He flinches lightly as a paperweight is thrown against the wall from somewhere inside._

 

 

 

_Later._

Nathan? Nathan! Where are you? Nathan!  
  
In here.  
  
Where?  
  
In here! Come here!  
  
Oh. There you are. This room is still bigger than I though it’d be, even with the. Hmm. Sex machines and whatno--  
  
Stop thinking so much! Sit down. Please?  
  
No thank you. That bed is filthy. You, uh, wished to see me?  
  
Yeah.  
  
. . .Okay. Why did you, uh, call me here?  
  
You know why.  
  
No, I don’t know why, I. Hrm. Guess, most of the--  
  
\--YES YOU DO, YOU FUCKING KNOW WHY. PICKELS TOLD YOU!  
  
Pickes, hm, told me. . .  
  
 _Yeah._  
  
. . .I dismissed it outright.  
  
Why? I’ve practically fucking fallen over myself trying to clue you in, it’s embarrassing!  
  
You, wait. You do want to. . .erm. . .have relations with me, then?  
  
What?  
  
Consummate an affair?  
  
What?  
  
 _Fuck. . .?_  
  
Shit. That’s hot.  
  
What?  
  
Nnnthe way you say. That word. QUIT FUCKING DISTRACTING ME! I’m trying to. Hm.   
  
Nathan. Please. I’m not good at this sort of thing. I’m kind of distant. As a person.  
  
I know.  
  
And I don’t do relationships very well. They’re not like numbers.  
  
MMhmm?  
  
And I don’t want to be. * _Sigh_ *. A knotch.  
  
A nache? What the fuck does that have to do--  
  
A  _notch_. As in, on a bedpost.  
  
Oh.  _Ohhhh_. Like. On the panty wall.  
  
On the what?  
  
Behind you.  
  
Wha--oh. Oh, God, that’s completely unsanitary, you just hang them there?  
  
Yeah. Most are Skwisgarr’s doing.  
  
This place is disgusting. Why did you insist on meeting me here?  
  
Because, hnnn, I thought we could maybe...c’mon, maybe...?  
  
I said no bedposts!  
  
Why do you think it has to be that way? Unless, you don’t want me. As like, a boyfriend. Gah, I’m so fucking stupid! I fucking knew this just wasn’t gonna happen, but I had. Had to try. Just, whatever. Go back to your fucking office. Get the hell outta here.  
  
That, uh, sounds like a fantastic idea.  
  
* _Sigh. . ._  
  
Care to join me?  
  
Huh?  
  
In my office?  
  
For what?  
  
For wh—I thought we were just discusing what for.  
  
Sex?!  
  
Yes!  
  
Seriously?  
  
Yes!! Nathan. Now. Shall we. . .  
  
Uhhh. Yeah. Yes. Let’s go.  
  
Filthy. “Sexcapades Room”. Jesus Christ Nathan, was it your idea, origionally?  
  
Ye-ha ha ha. Fuckin’ funny.  
  
  
  
 _Five shorter than average minutes later_  
  
So are we supposed to just.  
  
Yeah.  
  
And I just.  
  
Yeah.   
  
Okay. Um. Kiss me, Nathan.  
  
Right. . .right now?   
  
No, in five minutes.  
  
. . .I don’t have a watch on.  
  
Well, use your dethphone. You know what? Nevermind. I didn’t think it would be this hard, seriously, and well, if you’re not sure about this than just forget about it. For the record. I tried.  
  
Stop overthinking this! Charles. Can I call you—nevermind. Charles, come here. I-ah, want to kiss you.  
  
. . .  
  
Okay. That was nice. God, Nathan, it’s been a while. I’m not sure what to—  
  
\--Me neither. We’ll just. . .go by touch. He he. Can I—I’m gonna scoot closer to you. Will this desk hold our weight?  
  
I had it bolted to the floor. I guess we’ll find out.  
  
Can I touch you here?  
  
Ohh! Um. Yeah. That’s nice. I’ve always liked having my neck stroked. Take my tie off. Kiss me. . .come on Nathan. You’re a singer and you can’t hold your breath longer than—  
  
MmmmMmmm  
  
Mmmmmmmm.  
  
Oh! Is, uh, that for me, Nathan?  
  
Yeah, I’ve uh, had it since you came to the room. I may not last too long. I’m really horny.  
  
No, it’s okay.  
  
I know. I’m gonna take your jacket off.  
  
‘Kay. Unbotton my pants. Here, grab my hips, and—  
  
Fucking zipper—  
  
Just rip it!  
  
Seriously? Gawd that’s hot. How’d you get so cut anyway? You’re buff, you--  
  
I work out. Grab my. Use more pressure, yeah. There. Oooh Uhhhnn. Yes, like that. That’s good.  
  
Uhhhn I’m taking my shirt off.  
  
Please. Lose the pants, too Nathan, I’m not going to last long.  
  
You sure? It’s been a while for you. I don’t. Want. Mmm. I don’t want to hurt you. This shit’s. . .different. Than just some skank groupie.  
  
Well, good. But I’ll be fine. Just. . .condom?  
  
Yeah. Brought one. It’s lubed.  
  
That should be enough. Kiss me.  
  
Mmm. . .hey! You freeball?  
  
Most of the time, yes. Underware is constricting. Touch yourself Nathan. God, you are a sight! Never though black nail polish could look so good.  
  
When it’s polishing my cock.  
  
Yeah. Stroke it for me. Rub your fingers over the he—yeah, just like that, mmm. Cup yourself.  
  
Do it yourself, here. Take your fucking pants off, too, you look silly with them down around your ankles. Ahh you’re all neat and trimmed.  
  
Yes. Didn’t know you liked that.  
  
Yeah. I shave mine off. Better smell.  
  
Better tast—mmmm!  
  
Chales don’t talk with your mouth full. Ohhhhh, just like that. Roll your lips over… yeaaah. Oh. Oh! I’m not gonna. Mm. Where’s the. . .okay, never seen a groupie do that.  
  
What, roll a condom on with their teeth? Stop thinking about groupies and focus, Nathan.  
  
Sorry. I’ll just. . .  
  
. . .  
  
You okay, Charles.  
  
Y-yeah. Yaaaaaah. I am. Now move.  
  
You’re so tight.  
  
Oh. That’s. Aaah!  
  
OH! Deeper! Oh God, Nathan!  
  
Unh. Like this? God, I’m close.  
  
Me too. Me toooooo! Ahhhahm  
  
Right there. Right there. Come with me. Don’t make me do this by myself—  
  
I’m there---AAHhh!  
  
Nnnngggh. Hmm. Yeah. That was nice. Sorry about the. Timing.  
  
That’s fine, Nathan. Next time, we’ll last longer. Now that we’ve. Hm.  
  
Yah. K. Next time. Kiss me. . .what do we do next?  
  
Well. . .I don’t suppose much will change. Do you want. . .to make this. Oh, um, solid, I suppose? Or more casual.  
  
I want you. . .like Rachel.  
  
What, controlling, snobbish, and then later, in a coma? Because I don’t picture myself falling down Mordhaus steps any time so—  
  
No! I mean. Exclusive. I want. I don’t. . .hrrrrrmloveyou, right? Not yet. I just. . .want to. . .to feelthatwayforyou. Someday. I think I could.  
  
I think I could too. I think we just need to take it a day at a time.  
  
A night at a time?  
  
Well, I suppose,--  
  
A nightcap at a time?  
  
Well, I didn’t mean—  
  
Can I sleep with you tonight? In your bed?  
  
. . .I don’t suppose why not. Yes, of course.  
  
Cool.  
  
Indeed. Condom knotted at the top and tossed in the wastebasket, please.  
  
Uhhhhg. I’m gonna hear that more than I want to.  
  
You hope.  
  
I hope. Yeah, I do hope.  
  
Me too, Nathan. Me too.


End file.
